Returning: Article 10

Returning. It’s a bittersweet word, holding connotations of leaving and arriving.

In my last article, I spoke of my desire to stay in Poland, so the bitter portion of my returning home was not surprisingly a dead weight in the pit of my stomach. The mix of hopefulness, sorrow, stress, and impatience that caused a stir in my chest, kept me on edge while heading to the Poznan airport. I didn’t begin to relax until after I boarded the plane. At that moment I realized I was returning home, and, unless God performed some divine act, nothing was going to change that.

Returning. I’m not always so good with dealing with this part of travel. I joked around a bit and tried engaging in conversation with whomever was next to me. You know, I was allowing myself to be distractible. I don’t remember much about that flight except that a lot of thinking happened. I also had the opportunity to strengthen my self-discipline by exercising restraint on my tear ducts. That was a very hard work out, but I did not want to bawl on a plane full of Polski people.

Returning. At that point in time, the leaving was more bitter than sweet. I was stuck in a seat on an airplane that was zooming me away from my new found loves. I was leaving Poland. I was leaving a people that I dearly wanted to give joy and freedom in Christ. I was leaving friends and people with whom I so easily became fond of, and they fond of me. I was leaving a place where I felt I was home, despite the language barrier. And I was leaving a family that in so many ways made me their family, as well. I was leaving without knowing if and when I would ever see any of it again.

Returning. The thought of arrival wasn’t exactly pleasant at first either. Though I was coming home, I was to arrive at place of unknown. Arriving with little money. Arriving to the things I left behind, but that of course would have changed with the time I was gone. Arriving to life unscheduled, yet back to normal. Arriving without the slightest clue as to what God wanted for me next, which is annoying, since I felt I knew exactly what I wanted.

Returning. It wasn’t all bitter. I found sweetness in leaving Polish bathrooms, constant sneezing, and the language barrier. Sweetness also awaited my arrival. Family, friends, and peanut butter chai’s were ready to welcome me.

Returning. You never really know what to expect. Life can be just the same as you left it, as though everything was on pause for months at a time. On the other hand, you can close your eyes for a moment and everything changes. In this realization I put my expectations on the unexpected. Which was a good idea. Though much was the same, I was surprised by how much had changed in the month I was gone. Looking back now, I’m amazed at how much has changed since returning.

Returning. I’ve traveled a decent amount in my life, and I’ve come expect the emotional low that accompanies returning. For a month I was busy, constantly surrounded by people, and doing something that made life feel productive. I was learning and growing and developing friendships that I hope never to forget. In less than 36 hours goodbyes and see-you-later’s were said, 5000 miles passed beneath me, hugs and welcome homes were given, and being utterly exhausted physically and emotionally I found myself in bed, eyes leaking saltiness, thinking that all I know now are just memories. The next few weeks were an up and down journey emotionally speaking. Even in that though, it’s an opportunity to grow.
Returning. Like I said earlier, I had no idea what I was coming back to. Actually, I knew I was coming back to no job, but I didn’t know what I was going to do about it. I remember in one of my freak out sessions, God telling me to be still, He had it all under control. He did. In the last two months I have been sick, having no money, and no real prospects of what I could be doing next in life. Was I coming back just to work to live, living in my parents house? But from that base God has brought up opportunity after opportunity. So much has happened. I was able to start working at the Higher Grounds Café again and begin getting ahead with finances. I have been blessed with the opportunities to be able to participate in a multiple outreaches around Minnesota. I have been able to help with different worship teams and youth groups since returning. Obviously, I have been able to write multiple articles for the paper, which has been a blessing in itself. I now have my time in Poland chronicled and have received a fair amount of good feedback. It’s been good.

I have returned. This word can leave one with the impression that it is the end of a story, but thankfully it’s not. One of the opportunities that has been presented to me the past couple months and that I’ve accepted, is moving to Detroit, MI in January. I know, I’ve heard the concern from many people at this decision; I have heard the news and the rumors of a dangerous city, but I am excited. Detroit is a broken city, but I will be able to go and help some friends do what we can to help mend the broken, and while we do so, plant a church. At times I am fearful and others I’m excited. This will be another great growing experience; one that will no doubt give me more tales to tell. Which is good, since this is my last article for now. Hopefully in a month or two, I will be returning to all of you again. God bless.

Can I Stay?: Article 9

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“How do you like Poland?”

I was asked this question within the first few hours of arriving into the beautiful country. Of course, at the beginning, what do you say? The land is beautiful and very similar to home, but the language barrier was very overwhelming. Of course, answering the question became easier as the days passed. The more I learned and experienced in Poland the more I liked it.

It didn’t take any longer than a week, before I was getting comments about the return visits I must make. By that point, I was open to the idea, though I wasn’t utterly in love Poland. I was enjoying my time, but at one point I remember thinking that if I had to go back home, I could do so fulfilled and ready to move on to the next season of life without too many qualms about leaving early.

I went to Poland expecting my time there to be more of a bridge leading to the next thing, instead of actually being the next destination. I don’t remember the exact day, but I remember the feeling of realizing that I had been wrong.  I remember looking at everyone and thinking I could just stay. My first suggestion to do just that followed shortly after.

Sitting with others in the Białecki’s kitchen in Janikowo, Monika started talking about the Christian theatre school she and Jarek had attended and how it would be possible for me to go there. She said I could go to school, help with the Dar ministry, live with the Siech family, and learn Polish. The idea didn’t sound too bad to me.

That same weekend in Janikowo two different people, two different times made reference to me staying and getting a paid job to teach conversational English in Janikowo or pretty much anywhere in Poland if I wanted. With each passing suggestion and day, I not only delighted in the realization that these friends wanted me to stay in Poland, but I began to realize that I wanted to stay more and more.

As much as I wanted to stay, though, I more so wanted to do God’s will. If He wanted me to return to the States, then I would, and if He wanted me to stay in Poland I would be perfectly content to do so. I began to pray about staying and because this would be such a big move, I asked for a couple specific signs or fleeces (a concept found in Judges 6:36-40). I asked God to allow one of four things to happen and then I would know that I was suppose to stay in Poland. If they did not happen I would return to the U.S. knowing that it was the will of God.

After requesting this, it seemed to me that God’s sense of humor came out a little more. Everything I asked for would happen in part, but before each scenario could reach the fullness of what I asked it seemed as though God said, “No.”

The first of these requests was that I would have enough money in my bank account to be able to pay for at least one more month of living in Poland. That would roughly be $600. After praying the four things, I went to check my account to see what I had to work with. I knew from previous balancing of the finances that I shouldn’t have any more than $50 left, but when I checked I was surprised to see a couple hundred dollars. Through some giving of others God had increased and blessed me financially, though not with enough to pay for staying in Poland. Every time I would check to see if something changed or increased, I was slightly disappointed, though blessed by what I had.

If God didn’t want to give me money for the next month I had suggested that He find me a place to stay with room and board free for the next month. This was the second “sign” I asked for. The night before I was to fly back home, Jarek, who had been the only one up to that point not suggest I stay, sat me down with Google translate to have a conversation. In this conversation he told me of what I could do in Poland, how I could help, how I was wanted, and at the end even said that their family would be able to continue feeding me for free while I was living in there building. Realizing the financial capabilities of the family I realized how sincere and loving this offer was, but I also realized that it wasn’t the fullness of what I asked God for. I needed to be able to stay someplace without having to pay for at least the first month, but that wasn’t part of the offer, or even really possible. I was 0 for 2.

The third sign was that something would happen in the beginnings of travel and for some reason I would not be able to board the plane or the flight would be canceled. While we were being driven to the airport we listened to the radio as our friend/translator/driver told us of the big topic of the morning: airline protesting. It was said that many of the flights going into Frankfurt would be canceled or delayed. Only one of four flights was actually able to set out. My heart raced while I heard the reports. We arrived in Poland through the Frankfurt airport; it wasn’t hard to believe that our flight may be canceled. Even our driver said that we might be able to be stuck with them a little while longer. Once we arrived at the airport though I found that our flight was going into Munich and would be right on time. Like I said before, it seemed like God was teasing me.

The final request I had made was a side thought, random, and now when I think of it, I am embarrassed. I told God, that if someone proposed to me, I would stay. Mind you, this was a couple weeks into Poland that I said this, there was still possibility to meet some crazy person and have one of those overtly romantic stories you get from the movies. Also, mind you, that when I said this and even up to the point of me leaving there was no one in particular I had in mind. I met some awesome men of God, but marriage was truly not on my mind besides that quick moment of my flippant request. It was more of a joke because of everyone teasing me before I left for Poland about finding a husband, than it was a serious cincher for me staying. Knowing all this, God decided to continue teasing my stupidity.

There was one young man who had not initially planned to be spending much time with us, but ended up staying with us, traveling with us, and translating for us for about a week. After our last night of the tour we dropped him off at his home in Poznan. A couple days later was the Friday that Russ, Doris, and I were flying back home. That morning as we gathered for one last breakfast, Russ mentioned that our friend had emailed him about a conference that he was attending for the last few days of his holiday. He also mentioned, while looking directly at me, that our friend said, “I think I have met my future wife. I must pray about this.”

My first response was, “Wow, that was quick. We only dropped him off a couple days ago.” Russ looked at me strange and I just ignored.

About a half an hour later he was mentioning it to someone else, though he continued looking at me. I was confused a bit, but because of the emotional times of saying goodbye I just continued to ignore him. Finally, right before we were about to leave he said it again. It was then I realized that Russ thought our friend was talking of me. Slightly surprised and taken aback I remembered the last “sign” I had asked God for. I began to mentally freak out a bit. As much as I was friends with this guy, the idea of getting proposed to (while obviously a far-fetched thought) all of the sudden seemed like it could be a possibility and I was not at all enjoying that thought. What if Russ was right? What if the guy came to the airport? What would I do? I know I would have to stay in Poland, but would I have to say, “Yes?” Between the possibilities of flight cancelations and proposals my heart felt like it was running a marathon. At one point, our driver received a call from someone with the same name as the friend. This did nothing to calm me, even after I found out it was a different person. I honestly did not relax much until our plane took off.

Obviously, as I am back in the U.S. none of these things happened, but while I was on the plane flying back home, I asked God why? Why only partially fulfill the requests? Why tease me? I was slightly frustrated and mad at first, but then I realized something. If God wanted me stay in Poland, He showed me that He could make any of my requests happen… even a proposal. I did not doubt His ability to do any of it. The fact that He could, but didn’t, was all the more a confirmation that returning home was indeed the next step in this journey with Him. In my asking about confirmations to stay God went over and above and showed His will to me in a way that ceased all questions. I have not asked “what if…” once. I know my God’s got me, and I’m glad to be in His good and perfect will.