Guises of Fear

It’s so hard to go where You want me to go

It’s so hard to do what You’ve shown me to do
It’s so hard to say what You told me to say

It’s so hard to be who You’ve called me to be

Because fear is weighing heavy on me
Fear is keeping me from being free

So Lord, please send Your love

That takes all fear away

Oh Lord, give me the strength to say

I won’t be afraid

I won’t be afraid

I won’t be afraid

I know I can go where You want me to go

I know I can do what You’ve shown me to do

I know I can say what You’ve told me to say

I know I can be who You’ve called me to be

I will go, I will do, I will say, I will be
Where You want me to go
What You’ve shown me to do

What You’ve told me to say

Who You’ve called me to be
And I won’t be afraid

The Sunday before I left for Detroit, I sang this song at evening church. It was incorporated in my telling the congregation my plans for leaving, but it was more than a church special. It was a way to reassure myself that the move was something I could do.

Well, I made the move, but in the last few weeks, I’ve found I still need to sing this song. Still being unemployed and with the church plant still in the very beginning stages of development, I have had much down time. During this time I have found myself full of many emotions. Excitement, creativity, loneliness, confusion, frustration, anticipation, amazement, anger, longing, and moments of utter contentment have all had their time in the spotlight of my emotions and thoughts. Trying to work through all these thoughts has caused me to reflect on their origins. I have found that almost all of these positive emotions have sprouted during my times of worship and prayer, while all the negative emotions have slinked in with fear.

Fear.

From the chill of terror of the unknown to the red heat of embarrassment, fear has many different forms and many different disguises. It is often misleading. For example, not wanting to disturb or interrupt someone is a guise used regularly by the fear of rejection.  I find my motivation of “politeness” is usually just camouflaged fear. Saying “I’m not interested in trying something new” is many times a way of saying “I’m too afraid of failure to try.”

I have for a long time hated fear, mostly because of its prevalence in my life, so in bigger decisions (like moving for instance) where the motivation of fear can be seen plainly, it is easier for me to step on the head of fear and move forward courageously. But, it seems that little choices slowly choke me up.

Having had much time to think and reflect, I find more and more a revelation of what motivates my actions. It has helped reveal a lot of disguises for me. Being smart, having common sense, being mature, being polite… while all of these have their goodness, they are often great costumes for fear. Now that I know this, though, it is becoming easier to check my motivation.

I can dance crazy in public if I want; it has nothing to do with my maturity. I can ask questions even if it may make me look stupid, because I’d really be stupid if I never learned the truth. I can reach out and speak boldly of Jesus even if most people’s “common sense” would tell them to shut up. I can go out of my way to make new friends, being bold and interrupting conversations, and pushing passed my shyness; a moment’s embarrassment will hardly be remembered once friendships have started. I can try and do anything; my definition of failing is changing.

I have had a lot of fear in me, but the Word of God continues to remind me, “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” (2 Timothy 1:7) With this in mind and God’s perfect love that never fails, never gives, and never runs out, I can go in confidence and say:

I will go
I will do
I will say
I will be
And I won’t be afraid.

Detroit 1: Here's the Plan

Here was the plan:

First, go through my things and pack up everything I want and get rid of everything else.

(I only mostly completed this task. I’m pretty sure I packed up everything I wanted to take with me, but I didn’t go through everything. There’s still a good chunk of stuff in parent’s home that I just couldn’t part with.)

Second, take some friends on a road trip that crosses four states, has a layover at my grandparent’s home, gets us into Detroit with enough time to do a little exploring, and drops me off at my new place of residence as my friends complete the road trip circle.

(After some last minute yes’s and no’s five of us left on the road trip. With my father and brother in one vehicle, and two friends and myself in another vehicle we traversed a total of five states. Exhausted from the thirteen hours to get to my grandparent’s house we ended up spending our morning sleeping and playing the Wii, and caused us to leave much later in the afternoon than first anticipated and lent to our desire to just get food and get to my new home. Thus, no exploring was done, which was fine by me, since I was reminded of my loathing of city driving. On the morning of the third day, we traded hugs and my fellow voyagers left.)

Third, find a job while joining the wonderful Bono family in planting a church.

(This is still in progress. So far I have no job, and as far as the church planting goes, I’m still learning what it means to plant a church.)

That was the plan, and it still is, but it also is becoming more defined.

In the last two weeks I have moved into a room, started the process of having this new residence with the Bono’s feel like a home, while also being aware of any opportunities of getting a slightly more permanent housing situation, applied for a couple of jobs and have not gotten any feedback, started and finished a painting, finished a couple books, and have had many discussions on what the future concerning this church plant will be like.

In these discussions Sal Bono, the church plant pastor and husband/father of the family I am with, has shared many different ideas, but they all come together under a vision for church supported by social entrepreneurship. Social entrepreneurship takes the basic principals of being an entrepreneur and places the value of the business not just on profit and financial return, but also, and more so, on the positive social return that business has. Basically, whatever business we go into, our desire is to increase it not only in profits, but also in the how many jobs we can create. Our profits will then be sown directly back into any of the church’s ministries or other non-profit organizations in the Detroit area. Our goal isn’t just to start a church, but to affect the community. We want to be missionaries without burdening the people we are serving as Paul did with his tent-making business. We want a church with ministries that will not only be able to sustain itself, but be able to create jobs and opportunities to help reclaim the city of Detroit. My favorite of these ideas we’ve already started to work on a little bit. We’re calling it Re:Troit.

Detroit is a city that was built for 2 million people, but now only has 700,000 people occupying it. It is pretty easy to imagine the number of abandoned houses and building. In fact, Detroit is known to be the poster city for urban decay. Abandoned and trashed things are very easy to find in every neighborhood. It’s with this knowledge that Sal came up with idea of collecting these forgotten and eyesore things and turning them into beautiful creations that we can sell. After a little thought and debate Re:Troit was birthed and named. We’ve already collected a few things and are working on our first project. While the basic upcycling of the waste in Detroit is a great idea, we have decided to add an extra perk with everything that we will be making. Each item will be given a QR code that will link whoever scans it information about the neighborhood in which the items were gathered including its beauty, its hardships, and different ideas on how to pray for it. How cool is that!?

There are so many other things involved with the church plant that I had never really thought about their importance. Things like mission statements, picking names, what our focus will be at the beginning, and how to get the word out about a new church. The amount of lists I am balancing is incredible. It’s actually quite a scary venture, but it’s also exciting. I still don’t know much, but I am growing and learning a little everyday. While I have been getting antsy to get more things started, I’ve been realizing how quickly the pace will be increased to a sprint, so for the moment I am enjoying the time to reflect and prepare. 

Thoughts From Today

Thoughts from today:

* I am going to apply for a lot of jobs soon. My first application? Trader Joes :) 

* I want to make more music.

* I feel like in my quiet times, very soon, extremely colorful and loud things will begin to sprout. 

* I have so many awesome friends and friendly's. 

* I want to read more. 

* I want to create more.

* I would have loved to meet Henri Nouwen, C.S. Lewis, and G.K. Chesterton. Of course others, but for today just these three. 

* I'm excited for stories to share from Detroit.