Guises of Fear

It’s so hard to go where You want me to go

It’s so hard to do what You’ve shown me to do
It’s so hard to say what You told me to say

It’s so hard to be who You’ve called me to be

Because fear is weighing heavy on me
Fear is keeping me from being free

So Lord, please send Your love

That takes all fear away

Oh Lord, give me the strength to say

I won’t be afraid

I won’t be afraid

I won’t be afraid

I know I can go where You want me to go

I know I can do what You’ve shown me to do

I know I can say what You’ve told me to say

I know I can be who You’ve called me to be

I will go, I will do, I will say, I will be
Where You want me to go
What You’ve shown me to do

What You’ve told me to say

Who You’ve called me to be
And I won’t be afraid

The Sunday before I left for Detroit, I sang this song at evening church. It was incorporated in my telling the congregation my plans for leaving, but it was more than a church special. It was a way to reassure myself that the move was something I could do.

Well, I made the move, but in the last few weeks, I’ve found I still need to sing this song. Still being unemployed and with the church plant still in the very beginning stages of development, I have had much down time. During this time I have found myself full of many emotions. Excitement, creativity, loneliness, confusion, frustration, anticipation, amazement, anger, longing, and moments of utter contentment have all had their time in the spotlight of my emotions and thoughts. Trying to work through all these thoughts has caused me to reflect on their origins. I have found that almost all of these positive emotions have sprouted during my times of worship and prayer, while all the negative emotions have slinked in with fear.

Fear.

From the chill of terror of the unknown to the red heat of embarrassment, fear has many different forms and many different disguises. It is often misleading. For example, not wanting to disturb or interrupt someone is a guise used regularly by the fear of rejection.  I find my motivation of “politeness” is usually just camouflaged fear. Saying “I’m not interested in trying something new” is many times a way of saying “I’m too afraid of failure to try.”

I have for a long time hated fear, mostly because of its prevalence in my life, so in bigger decisions (like moving for instance) where the motivation of fear can be seen plainly, it is easier for me to step on the head of fear and move forward courageously. But, it seems that little choices slowly choke me up.

Having had much time to think and reflect, I find more and more a revelation of what motivates my actions. It has helped reveal a lot of disguises for me. Being smart, having common sense, being mature, being polite… while all of these have their goodness, they are often great costumes for fear. Now that I know this, though, it is becoming easier to check my motivation.

I can dance crazy in public if I want; it has nothing to do with my maturity. I can ask questions even if it may make me look stupid, because I’d really be stupid if I never learned the truth. I can reach out and speak boldly of Jesus even if most people’s “common sense” would tell them to shut up. I can go out of my way to make new friends, being bold and interrupting conversations, and pushing passed my shyness; a moment’s embarrassment will hardly be remembered once friendships have started. I can try and do anything; my definition of failing is changing.

I have had a lot of fear in me, but the Word of God continues to remind me, “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” (2 Timothy 1:7) With this in mind and God’s perfect love that never fails, never gives, and never runs out, I can go in confidence and say:

I will go
I will do
I will say
I will be
And I won’t be afraid.